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Why the Wrong Kind of Praise Can Be Worse Than None at All When You’re Teaching Your Kids to Swim

Providing your kids with support each step of the way when you’re teaching them to swim can help them relax enough to move with patience and precision instead of frenetic energy. Generic praise isn’t enough, though. It can even be counterproductive. So how do you give effective praise?

Use what you know about your child when you’re teaching him to swim. Some kids respond well to frequent reinforcement. Others want you to keep out of their way. You know your child best. If you sense that he’s confused, frustrated, or distracted, help him regain his focus by giving him feedback.

Be specific and constructive when you’re praising your child’s progress. General feedback such as “you’re doing great” actually makes kids insecure about what they’re doing. If they know they’re doing great, but they don’t know how or why, they tend to be afraid that they’ll fail.

Instead, make your feedback as precise as you can. For example:

Instead of:

  • Great job!

Try saying:

  • I really like how hard you’re trying.
  • You’re doing a really good job of flicking your foot when you kick.

The first kind of praise, the generic “Great job!” kind, doesn’t give your child any information about how to keep getting positive feedback from you. Specific praise gives him a way to duplicate his success and feel good about his efforts. The better he feels about learning to swim, the more he’ll want to get into the pool for the next swimming lesson, and the more fun you’ll have teaching him to swim.

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Why You Should Wear a Hat Instead of Sunglasses When You Teach Your Kids to Swim

Sun protection is important for you and your kids when you’re teaching them to swim, but that’s not why I recommend that you wear a hat instead of sunglasses. It’s not because hats are super cool, either. What is the reason?

Why You Should Wear a Hat Instead of Sunglasses When You Teach Your Kids to Swim

There are two reasons: communication and security. Both of these reasons have everything to do with eye contact.

Communication

If your child is looking you right in the eye when you’re explaining something, you can be sure that he’s focusing on you, not on the myriad distractions in and around the pool. It’s easier for him to look you in the eye if he can actually see your eyes. If he’s making eye contact, it will be easier for him to stay focused on what you’re teaching him.

Security

It’s important for your kids to feel secure in the water. The more relaxed and at ease they feel, the easier it will be for them to learn to swim. Keeping eye contact with you lets them know that you’re focused on them, too, and that you’re taking care of them.

Choose a hat with a brim to shield your eyes from the sun. Whether it’s a baseball cap or a glamorous Grace Kelly affair, a hat will help you make eye contact, and that will making teaching your kids to swim easier for both of you.

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How to Motivate Your Kids to Learn to Swim

You have to teach your kids to swim for safety reasons, but what are their reasons for learning to swim? Put yourself in your child’s place. Why learn to do this? For some kids, watching older kids and seeing the potential fun is strong motivation. Kids who don’t have an example like that might be harder to motivate. If you can have a great time running around on land, what’s the point of working hard to learn to swim? What’s in it for them?

Drawbacks of Learning to Swim

The drawbacks of learning to swim are apparent from the beginning. The water’s cold and uncomfortable. Sometimes it smells like chlorine. There may be strangers swimming in the pool. Your kid knows he wouldn’t know what to do if he got in too deep, and that’s legitimately scary. There’s a sense of not having control or feeling in charge of the next moment. There are potentially uncomfortable sensations. Being in the water doesn’t feel like being on land. There’s the possibility of swallowing water—which probably doesn’t taste very good—or getting water in his nose. That possibility quickly becomes uncomfortable and possibly scary reality, because it’s hard to learn to swim without ever swallowing water or getting water in your nose.

Why Learn to Swim?

Kids spend countless hours practicing new skills. They’re relentless. They learn to roll over, sit up, crawl—sometimes backwards, it’s true—walk, and run. These are all driven by another motive. Your child doesn’t want to crawl for crawling’s own sake. He wants to get somewhere. He wants to walk so he can get there faster. Run? Get there faster!

Intrinsic and Extrinsic Benefits

Other forms of movement require different motivation. Some kids (who may be great walkers or runners) may be lousy at skipping or climbing. Why? Where’s the benefit in the movement for them? Swimming is like this. There’s got to be either benefit that comes from the movement or pleasure in the movement itself.

Intrinsic Benefits

You can help your child enjoy the movement itself by pointing out the pleasurable sensations of being in the water and doing what you can to minimize the negative sensations. Make sure to help your child notice the way the water feels against his skin and the weightlessness of buoyancy. Make sure to keep him as warm as possible and to help him drain his ears. These small aspects of enjoying the movement and the water will help to motivate your child to keep getting back into the pool.

Extrinsic Benefits

Swimming isn’t enough by itself? When you’re teaching your kids to swim, you can highlight and set up benefits from the movement. If a game that relies on mastery of a skill is fun enough, your child will work at mastering that skill. If other kids your child admires are doing something, your child will work to do what it takes to join them or be like them. Go to the pool when other, older kids are there. Play games as a family. Show your child the possibilities that are waiting for him once he’s able to swim.

Feeling successful will also help your kids stay motivated when they’re learning to swim. Remember that kids define success differently than adults.

Bribery

If all else fails, you can use external motivation as a teaching tool, depending on what’s important to your child. Will he work for ribbons? How about for a special activity together? Cold, hard cash? External motivation can help get your child over any bumps in the learning road when the experience of swimming isn’t enough to motivate him on its own. Sure it’s bribery, but it’s for a good cause, and your kids will thank you later.

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5 Common Feelings That Affect How Kids Learn to Swim

The sensory experience of being in the water, as well as emotional associations, leads to a range of feelings your child might have about swimming. Be on the lookout for emotional distress that you can soothe and for opportunities to motivate your child. What are the five most common feelings you can expect to crop up when you’re teaching your kids to swim?

5 Common Feelings That Affect How Kids Learn to Swim

Fear

It’s never too early to help your child feel comfortable in the water. Younger kids—three and four years old—are less fearful than older kids—seven or eight years old—who are being introduced to the water for the first time.

Where does the fear come from?

  • Fear of drowning can come from experience—like having slipped under the water in the tub for a moment—or from peers or the media.
  • Fear can come from feelings of being out of control, confused or uncertain, powerless, or unsupported in the water.
  • Fear can come from picking up parents’ own fear, worry or concerns.
  • For some kids, new things are scary.

Being afraid is reasonable. Until your child has the skills of water safety, the water is a dangerous place. That’s the whole point. That’s why he needs to learn to swim.

Many actors feel stage fright before a performance. A common tool for getting past this fear is to reframe it as excitement. You can help your child by using this technique. Understand the fear. Address it. Reframe it as excitement.

First, talk to your child to try to isolate the reason for the fear. Next, address his concerns. If he’s afraid that he’ll slip and swallow water, explain that you’ll be holding him and won’t let that happen. If he fears the unknown, explain to him what to expect once he’s in the water, from how it will feel to what you’ll be doing and how long you’ll do it.

Once you’ve addressed his concerns, point out the physical signs of fear that he might be experiencing: increased heart rate, fast or shallow breathing, shivers, tension, a rush of adrenaline. All of those are things that also happen when you’re excited. Have your child focus on what he’s feeling in his body and how he’s felt those same things when he’s been excited about something. Associate the two feelings. It’s hard to stay afraid when you’re aware that your body is responding the same way it does when you wake up on the morning of your birthday party.

Anger

Your child might be angry at being forced to do something he doesn’t want to do. He might feel anger about feeling afraid. He might feel anger in the form of frustration about not being able to physically control his body in the water as well as he’d like to be able to.

If he’s angry at being forced to do something he doesn’t want to do, give him as many choices as possible. “Would you like to go swimming and then to the park or to the park and then swimming?” or “Would you like to swim for fifteen minutes or for twenty minutes?”

If he’s angry about feeling afraid, help him to express the anger and then address the fear.

If he’s frustrated about not having the same degree of control over his movement in the water as he does on land, remind him that it took a lot of practice to learn to walk and to learn to run. Tell him funny stories about those early days. Scale back the skill you’re working on to give him a break from the frustration and an opportunity to enjoy practicing something that he’s already competent doing.

Happiness

Spending time playing in the water with your parents in the warm sun is fun. Don’t gloss over the joy you and your child can share because you’re in a rush to get to the next skill. The spaces between learning new things will be filled with the laughter that becomes memories your child will carry with him for the rest of his life.

Security

Your child will rely on you to set the tone for your time in the pool. If you feel confident and if you provide physical and emotional support, your child will feel secure. That sense of security will make him receptive to what you’re trying to teach and will color his longterm feelings about swimming and the water.

Pride

As your child’s efforts pay off and he learns new things and masters new skills, he’s likely to feel proud. Help to encourage and validate that feeling. Talk about how well he’s doing to other adults in front of him. Give him a forum for sharing that pride.